Deck the Halls? Maybe Later: Coping with Grief When Festivity Feels Hard

Ah, the holidays—a season of twinkling lights, joyful music, and endless “perfect family” moments plastered across TV screens and social media. But when you’re grieving, it can feel like someone hit the mute button on the holiday cheer and replaced it with static. And that’s okay. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and it certainly doesn’t take a break just because it’s December.

If decking the halls feels like a too large of a task or the thought of attending another holiday party makes you want to crawl under a blanket, you’re not alone. Let’s unpack how to navigate this season with your grief in tow—without forcing yourself to fake joy.

Why the Holidays Hit Harder When You’re Grieving

The holidays have a way of amplifying emotions. They’re steeped in traditions, family gatherings, and memories—things that grief loves to crash like an uninvited guest. Whether it’s the empty chair at the dinner table, the absence of your loved one’s laugh, or the glaring contrast between your inner world and the cheerful decorations outside, the season can feel overwhelming.

Even the smallest triggers—a favorite carol, a special ornament, or that particular dessert—can bring up waves of loss.

Permission to Say “No” to Holiday Expectations

Here’s the first rule of grieving through the holidays: you are not obligated to meet anyone’s expectations—not your family’s, not society’s, and not even your own. This season might look completely different for you, and that’s perfectly okay. Maybe you scale back on traditions, skip events that feel too painful, or replace elaborate plans with something simpler.

Remember, it’s not your job to be the holiday cheerleader for everyone around you. You’re allowed to prioritize your emotional well-being over making gingerbread houses or singing carols.

Practical Tips for Navigating Grief During the Holidays

1. Reinvent or Skip Traditions

If certain traditions feel too painful, it’s okay to let them go—or tweak them.

Example: If decorating the tree brings up too many memories, consider a smaller tree or a single ornament in honor of your loved one.

2. Set Boundaries Like a Holiday Pro

Say yes to what feels manageable and no to what doesn’t.

Example: “I’d love to join for dinner, but I might leave early if I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

3. Create New Rituals

Incorporate something that honors your grief and your loved one’s memory.

Example: Light a candle for them during dinner or donate to their favorite charity.

4. Have an Escape Plan

If gatherings feel too much, have a pre-planned way to step away.

Example: Drive yourself so you can leave when you need to, or designate a friend for support.

5. Focus on Small Joys

It’s okay to find moments of happiness amid grief. Watch your favorite holiday movie, bake something comforting, or cuddle up with your pet.

6. Lean on Your Support Network

Whether it’s a close friend, a therapist, or an online group, share how you’re feeling. Grief can feel isolating, but you don’t have to go through it alone.

When Grief and Joy Coexist

Grief doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy anything this season. You might laugh at a joke, feel warmth from a hug, or even smile at a favorite holiday tradition—and that’s not betraying your grief. It’s a sign that love and sadness can coexist, even in tough moments.

A Final Word on Grace

The holidays can be a pressure cooker of emotions. Some days, you might feel okay; other days, you might not. Both are valid. Give yourself grace, ditch the guilt, and remember: you’re not failing if your holiday doesn’t look “perfect.” Healing isn’t about perfection; it’s about honoring where you are in the moment.

This year, your holiday may not look like a Hallmark card. It might look messy, quiet, or completely untraditional—and that’s okay. Sometimes, just getting through is an act of courage in and of itself.